Teachable Woman Podcast

Reverends Michele Owes and Diana Cherry

About Marriage – Pt 5

Rev. Michele Owes: [00:00:00] Welcome. Welcome. Welcome back to the Teachable Woman podcast. We're excited to be with you today. I am Reverend Michelle Oates. I am with Reverend Mrs. Deanna P. Cherry, and together we are teachers of good things. Mrs. Cherry, please say hello to our podcast family and friends

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Hello, podcast family. Hello, friends. Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. God bless you, and I pray that you're having a wonderful time in His presence

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen. Amen. Well, we are back with you again today and we are still on the subject of marriage because it's inexhaustible. There's so much to talk about. Mrs. Cherry has a wonderful book out and she's going to tell us more about [00:01:00] it and share some tips from that book. But first I'm going to do a brief review over some of the things that we've talked about.

We talked about the fact that when a man and a woman get together, that, that they are to cleave one to another and they're to leave their father's house and their mother's house, and that the two should become one flesh. We also talked about the fact that it's the man who finds the wife, because the scripture says he that findeth the wife, findeth a good thing.

And some of us may have had some times and, and some occasions where we were looking for our good thing and we didn't find it because we were supposed to be found.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: We were the good thing.

Rev. Michele Owes: That's right. That's right. And interestingly enough, we thought we were looking for a good thing but as you said, Mrs. Cherry, we were the good thing. So we were all outta order, we didn't find what we were looking for or nothing we could keep[00:02:00]

Waste of time, energy, money , emotion, all of that good stuff. And then finally we learned that it was He that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing. And so we were happy to be found. In one of our, um, last podcasts I mentioned that one of my... The thing that I liked the most about being married was that my husband chose me, which means that he found me and that he was well with his choice.

So I was excited about that. But the scriptures also say that husbands should loves their wives as Christ loves the church, and that we as wives are to reverence. The Bible tells us to see to it that we reverence or respect our husbands. And that can be a challenge for us sometimes because we may be seeking to be respected more than we are willing to grant respect.

And, um, it is respect, I learned, that gives love [00:03:00] longevity. And so if we find that our love is a little short, we need to check on our res- respect measure. Are we respecting our spouse? Are we demonstrating a general care for him and a general appreciation for who God created them to be? Because it's more than just our husband.

He is a child of the Most High God, a joint heir with Christ Jesus. God has a purpose and plan for his life as He does for ours. And so we want to respect God's creation. So Mrs. Terry, you can hop in at any time if any of these things ring some bells with you.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah, you know, I thought about, uh, what we used to teach. Respect like water to mortar.

Rev. Michele Owes: Mm-hmm.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: is just powder and it, you can't do anything with it. It'll just blow away. But that respect is like that water and it causes it to become concrete.

Rev. Michele Owes: Excellent. I love that

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: [00:04:00] about when I, when you said that.

Rev. Michele Owes: All right. Well, if you feel like some things are blowing away and you need it to be concrete, let's add that respect. Let's make it the water.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: right? some water to your love.

Rev. Michele Owes: We also talked about the fact that Jesus turned the water to wine. That was his very first miracle, which was an indication of how important God saw the married state and the fact that Jesus was at that wedding lets us know, you know when we are having some difficulties in our relationship if it feels watered down, that he can turn that water into wine something that is priceless because the guests thought that he saved the best for last So you may feel like you're walking into your marriage And it's more like water just running all over the place But God can make that thing fine wine You just need a little bit more on your knees time A little more in your Bible time Little more prayer [00:05:00] times One-on-one time before we respond Before we act Before we get out of character Right?

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah.

Rev. Michele Owes: we roll our neck and our eyes Just

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: right. Act

Rev. Michele Owes: it all together

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Right.

Rev. Michele Owes: So take, let's take a moment and talk about keeping it together, Ms. Cherry

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Hmm.

Rev. Michele Owes: Because I think that the first, this is just my thought. That the first three years of marriage are the most difficult because everybody's vying for power, attention, authority.

You know, where does he get to put his stuff? Or now all of a sudden that you're together none of his stuff is good enough, it can't come in the house. Does he get a, does he get a place other than the closet to keep the stuff that, you know, he had n- but now that we've moved into a house now and we want everything to be neat.

No, that can either go in the garage or in the basement, but... Or no, not at all. We need to put that [00:06:00] out for sale or, you know. So everybody's just, you know, whether it's what side of the bed you're going to sleep on or, you know, who's going to do what in the house. There's, there's-- At the very beginning that's, there's this vying for what are we going to do as we come together?

Mrs. Cherry is looking at me like I have lost my mind.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: No, you didn't lose your mind. You just kind of lost me. I was trying to think back. You know, we were married for 21 days short of 50 years. I'm trying to think back to the first two or three days

Rev. Michele Owes: That would be a little bit of time, Missy. That's a little bit of time. I get it. I get it

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: to the first two or three days of marriage when we started marriage and business.

Literally, we went

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: It was just a car trip up to Delaware. We went to a hotel, spent the night, left the key in the door overnight and came back out and woke up the next morning to go to breakfast. [00:07:00] Drove back home. My husband, on the way back on that Monday had to stop by the bank 'cause he had money in the trunk of the car for the business so... Our life has

Rev. Michele Owes: Y'all were getting it done. You were getting it done. That's what's happening.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: in business. So, uh, I'm trying

Rev. Michele Owes: You didn't have time to fuss about where the couch was going to go or who got, who got what side of the bed, right? Just go to bed. That was the most important thing.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: 'Cause, 'cause I had a place and he kinda sorta was living with his brother at that point, so he didn't really have a place, so my stuff was the stuff, you know?

Rev. Michele Owes: Okay. Okay.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: didn't, we didn't ha- He had decorated my place, remember?

That's how we met.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: interior designer,

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: place was

Rev. Michele Owes: All right.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: wasn't

Rev. Michele Owes: he set it up for himself.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: an issue. Nigga said, "I don't care."

Rev. Michele Owes: He had already spotted you in that yellow dress. His mind was already made up.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah, but I had, I, it was my furniture. I had bought it. But

Rev. Michele Owes: He [00:08:00] was probably, "Yeah, it's her furniture, it's her spot, but it's going to be mine.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah.

Rev. Michele Owes: All of it."

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: uh, that's why I was, that's why I was kind of frowning 'cause I was r- frowning because I was trying to think back to, uh... Well now it's what? 56, 57 years and I'm trying to think back to three days into marriage.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: but you know,

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Oh, I guess we were older. We were always, um, so mature

Rev. Michele Owes: Mm-hmm. '

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Cause he was in business and, and I was, you know, I was a single mom trying to make life and I guess we've always been kinda serious

and it's evident even now in how I live is, uh But anyway, that was

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah. Well, there are some more frivolous ones out there who are not as serious. They're getting serious 'cause they got married and, you know, now they're just trying to work out this thing together.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Trying to gel

Rev. Michele Owes: Trying to gel, that's a great way to put it.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah.

Rev. Michele Owes: you don't want to put too much... Hmm, go ahead

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: right? But the key is learning how to [00:09:00] communicate.

Rev. Michele Owes: Mm.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: And for me, one of the things that, uh, if I could go back to the beginning, I would focus more on really expressing myself 'cause I've always had, uh, a natural ability to just ac-accept whatever and, and be the burden carrier of everything

Rev. Michele Owes: Oh, wow.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: I didn't want to rock the boat. You know, I've always been kinda like that. Um, so I think that if I had to do it all over again with John, 'cause I

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: it

Rev. Michele Owes: Be clear. Le- let's be clear. If I had to do it over again with John, all right.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: I, I would probably focus more on, um, not being intimidated to, to speak, you know, to share, to, um, engage in coverups or just do stuff just 'cause it's going to please him.

I w- I would be stronger, I think now, if I were... he were to come back and we were to reunite, I would

Rev. Michele Owes: Wow

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: because I'm more confident now.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: I

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: sometimes in [00:10:00] the beginning, one or the other is so unsure, and I think I heard my son say this a long time ago, you know, "You're just so afraid the person's going to leave that you do," um, "you do really unusual compromises." So I think that the biggest thing for anybody in any marriage is to learn to communicate. You know what we teach. If

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: solve problems, and make decisions, it.

Rev. Michele Owes: You got it. Well, you know, that is so interesting because how you described yourself from then is, you're right, it is not you now. Because you will say exactly what is on your mind whenever you want to say it. And so it's hard to imagine that you were, um, more, I would say compromising, because you are known as the uncompromising preacher right now.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah. But, but even back then when I knew the Lord, I would give truth, but on my personal... in my [00:11:00] personal life with my husband, you know,

I wasn't, um, bold at all. But I'm not a confrontational person, I will give truth from God's Word in a heartbeat without even thinking about it, you know? Uh, I have that kind of boldness, yes, but I never had that personal boldness in a marriage to really say exactly what I wanted to say or what I felt or what I meant, uh, uh, 'cause I've just kinda been a compromiser by nature, but not for the word of God. So who I am naturally and who I am spiritually are two totally different people. You know? It's

Rev. Michele Owes: Wow.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: like that

Rev. Michele Owes: That's, that's impressive and, and interesting. Very interesting. Um, because I, I would have imagined you to be the same all the way around all the time. Uh, and only because maybe I [00:12:00] am.

Well, you know, and, and also I grew up in a family of five girls and two boys. And I was the youngest daughter so there was chatter going on all the time and I was always in it somewhere. So, um, expressing myself was something that I had learned to do early and had to do because I was at the bottom of the pole and you know if you don't talk they'll push you around.

So I had to let my voice be heard self. I figured that out with my siblings and I thought well you know what? It might just be the same in marriage. I, I might need to express openly how I feel, what I'm thinking and you know, and then see we come to... Yeah.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: that's better. I think

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: better way to be because it's, um, it's more natural. You know? It's more natural to express yourself. You know, remember that old song,

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes, I do.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: But that's, um, that's just the way I was, you know? of all, I never wanted to get married, never thought about getting married, and, uh, I think once I met somebody that wanted to marry me, I didn't want to do [00:13:00] anything to blow it.

Rev. Michele Owes: Oh. Well, you know what? We're laughing but that could be how people feel, you know? That they're... I'm so glad that you brought this up because where you were back then could be where somebody is right now.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: That's true.

That's

Rev. Michele Owes: and though we are joking with one another and, and just showing how differently we were raised and, you know, how we came about being the people that we are in the natural.

Me from a, you know, very active household where people had to talk and express themselves and you being willing to just, you know, quietly leave a thing alone and, and let it work itself out, so different. But there could be people listening to us who are in both of those situations. And I would say that if you were more like me, you know, be careful not to over-communicate.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: And if you're like [00:14:00] me pray and, if you're like me, pray and, and the Lord to speak through you. You know,

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: sometimes when you're like me, you might end up accepting abuse. And that's one thing I, I didn't express myself all ways, but I... One thing I made clear from the beginning, "You will never touch me 'cause if

Rev. Michele Owes: Thank you

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: I'm out of here."

Because I, I had my best buddy in the whole wide world was abused. So I was firm on that.

And, uh, because I didn't like confusion and arguments, I often would just not say anything. And

I would often say to my husband, "My silence doesn't mean I agree with you.

means I choose not to argue with you."

Rev. Michele Owes: Amen. Amen

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Because my husband came from a very dynamic loud family that-- and the boys loved to argue.

Rev. Michele Owes: Mm-hmm.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: I mean, they... It was the joy of the [00:15:00] holiday

Rev. Michele Owes: For the

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: They

Rev. Michele Owes: menfolk to talk it out.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah, and they knew, they-- My husband's family, every one of them knew everything about everything.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: them were experts, so, and that was, you know, that was the lively, uh, home that he came up with, but not me.

Rev. Michele Owes: So if you're listening to us and you find that you will maybe not respond and walk away, uh, without fully expressing yourself, think about what Mrs. Cherry has shared with us. She said it is the one thing that she would probably have done a little differently. Uh, not that she's going to go from A to Z with it, but that she would have expressed herself more.

Consider expressing yourself more so that you don't carry the burden of whatever is going on and, uh, you don't make it like a trash compactor, which is an example that you used to [00:16:00] often use in marriage enrichment or in the women's fellowship, that we would, you know, have things go wrong and we would just keep pressing it down like a trash compactor, and then there's a day where you can't get anything else in it.

Uh, yeah. And then, you know, somebody's about to blow. So we don't, we don't want you to, to become short-fused because you have have stu- so much stuff down and not responded, but we don't want you to overtalk a matter either.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Right

Rev. Michele Owes: so, you know, as Mrs. Cherry said, praying and asking God to lead you and guide you into what you say and how you say and when you say it, that I think is one of the most important things you can do to get through the first three years.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Mm-hmm.

Rev. Michele Owes: Um, because there's so much that you're going to need to come together on. If you've gone to a good premarital course, and you should please, if you're considering marriage, go to Premarital Enrichment and make sure that you take it seriously. Show up, uh, contribute to the classes, participate, do the homework, because [00:17:00] that's just going to help you be more prepared for what you have decided to do, which is to be married to an imperfect person, remembering all the while that you too are imperfect.

And so,

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: All right

Rev. Michele Owes: you know, when we have our ideas and our thoughts and they're just as clear to us as they can be, we don't-- We oftentimes don't understand how somebody else can't understand what we're thinking or why we feel that way or what's wrong about what I'm thinking. And so the foundation of our beliefs can oftentimes...

Uh, and the foundation of our experiences who've made us who we are can cause us to be, uh, in disagreement sometimes. So,

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Mm-hmm.

Rev. Michele Owes: uh, prayer is your key to making it through the first three years. Is there a tip that you would want to share with us or a favorite or a not so favorite thing that you want to share with us before we end this podcast Ms.

Cherry?

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Oh, wow. It's time already? Seem like we just

Rev. Michele Owes: It is

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: y- know, honesty. The, the [00:18:00] communicating is the best thing, but it's important... Establish a good relationship before you marry. the key.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah. Yeah

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: you have that, uh, good relationship before you marry, you're-- You have confidence in that person and you're not going to compromise everything that you want to think, say or do because you're afraid that they are going to leave you, because you should've worked that out in your mind and in your conversation before you ever got married. you have to have a, have to have a s- a great degree of trust. if you don't have it, and if you are uncomfortable now, it is going to be magnified in marriage. So make sure that you are comfortable in who you are, what you believe, what you will do and what you will not do. Because a lot of times we get married and we're on fire for the Lord, and that joker never did really get converted. And, and they... I'm [00:19:00] serious, and they want

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: do ungodly things. Ungodly for me might not be ungodly for some, but like going to movies and stuff like that. I've known cases where the woman really was strongly committed to the Lord and the husband just rode her and rode her and rode her about doing, you know, this, that or the other, or not tithing. But we need to talk about these things

before marriage because, um, marriage, uh, it's a divine institution,

Rev. Michele Owes: Mm-hmm.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: but it's inhabited by not divine people. And so,

Rev. Michele Owes: The

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: so

Rev. Michele Owes: the humans have come.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: right. Right? And the human element is powerful.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes, it is

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: my strongest piece of advice is to be real, to be who you are, and to communicate you marry, uh, what your expectations are. Because some people are, uh, masterful actors and actresses, and they can keep that lid on until the "I do,"

and then, then they say, "No, I don't." [00:20:00] So just make sure that you know that you know that you know that this is somebody that you want to commit to

Rev. Michele Owes: I think that's a beautiful, a beautiful thing to leave us with. I'm going to share that I communicated so much with my husband in 33 years of marriage and in 35 years of being together. I communicate-- He never had to worry about what I was thinking. And that was something that I promised him, um, because in his previous experiences people just never talked, they never shared.

And so he was saying, "I want someone that's going to be open and honest." And I was like, "That is not even a stretch for me. That's who I am," so that is good. But there was always one thing that he said that I shared with him that he remembered more than anything else or that he took to be so important to him.

And that was, um, my husband was in sales and so his income, he'd either have a whole lot of income or [00:21:00] some lean moments or... And so in a, in a lean moment toward the end of a year once when, when his numbers were not coming through the way that they were supposed to be coming through and, you know, he had prayed and, you know, we had prayed together and, and so he was concerned about us having to change our lifestyle.

And you know, I, I shared with him, I said, "Listen, I didn't marry you for the size of the house or the cars or those kinds of things that you provide." I said, "If it's, if it's a matchbook and it's you and me, we going to be okay. I- I'm okay with, with a matchbook, you know?" And so he thought that was just the most important thing because it took a lot of pressure off of him because he felt as though he had to provide for me in a certain way.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Mm-hmm

Rev. Michele Owes: Uh, you know at the time we were living in a five bedroom home and we get two cars and y- and it was just the two of us living in the house w- we didn't need all of that. And I was explaining to him, We don't have to have all of this. God ended up making use of all that and at the nth [00:22:00] hour, and I mean the Nth hour, all of his numbers came in.

He exceeded quota and was number one but it was at the nth hour. But I had to share with him that Things are not why I married you.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Right

Rev. Michele Owes: Being with you is the most important thing. Now I said Matchbook I don't know if I meant Matchbook but.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Just a, a s-, a, a, a small house.

Rev. Michele Owes: We don't have to have all of this, right?

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: A t-

tiny house.

Rev. Michele Owes: Right. So, uh, your husband needs to understand that the real relationship is between you and he, and it's not about the stuff and things that you can accumulate together or the things that he's accumulated or the things that you've accumulated. It's not about things at all.

Things are tools that you will use to, to work through the marriage, um, but it is not what you have to have to be married. And so it's important for your spouse to know that they have the greater value

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: [00:23:00] Yes.

Rev. Michele Owes: than the things

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yes. Yeah, that's,

Rev. Michele Owes: too.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: really good. That's so important.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yeah

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah

Rev. Michele Owes: All right. Well, Mrs. Terry, we have talked our way to the end of this podcast.

I so enjoyed you being with us again today. Uh, podcast family, as you always pray for us, please continue to pray for Mrs. Terry. She is in college, and yes, she's smarter than the professors. And so, keep her in prayer that she will get the work done, get the grade, and get on out of Dodge.

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: Yeah. And, and I have wisdom. They have probably intellect.

Rev. Michele Owes: Yes. Yes, she has wisdom and godly wisdom at that 'cause she's applying that wisdom so this is good. All right. Well thank you so much for being with us on our podcast. We will be with you again. Mrs. Cherry is going to share some more tidbits on marriage and if you know of anyone who is getting married, who has recently gotten married or who's already married but needs [00:24:00] some help please share this series with them on theteachablewoman.com.

We just want to make sure that God has an opportunity to strengthen every marriage and we are sharing the wealth of our experience with you and it's free of charge. How about that Miss C?

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: How about that?

Rev. Michele Owes: All right well God bless you, we love you. We'll see you on the next podcast

Rev. Diana P. Cherry: God bless you. See you soon.